So I’m kind of procrastinating these days. I have a pile of homework, and I’m avoiding it like Wayne Carey avoids reality. Turn off the laptop and turn on the Opiate of TV I say! Cruising past Law and Order Special Elevator Unit and CSI Cranbourne, I made it to Channel 31… and Skate 2 Death.

Bummer.

This show sucks… Badly. Its one of those things that makes you ashamed to call yourself a skateboarder, like Blue Crush did to women surfers, Skate 2 Death does so for skateboarders.

Imagine if you’re struggling for your civil rights in the ghettos of Soweto and Nelson Mandella comes on TV with a goatee, his hat backwards and pretending to be ‘street’ with a bunch of awkward gang signs and jeans big enough to hide rollerblade pads? Imagine that Nelson hollers out ‘Yo yo yo! This is what’s up with Civil Rights… It’s SICK!’. You’d be bummed right?

So was I. Welcome to Skate 2 Death.

If you haven’t seen it, I’ll give you a run down. Skate 2 Death is a 30 minute TV show constructed by a couple of dudes who lurk around skate parks, demos and comps with a two-bit VHS camera. Couple that with some stolen footage from legitimate videos.. and you have your half hour show!

I’ve pushed myself through this half hour of water torture a few times now, and I was secretly hoping they would get better, or go away… but apparently they did neither. God bless public access television.

The problem is that the production values remind me of a year nine video that my pot head friends and I made to appease my media teacher. The dichotomy lies in the fact that it’s been running for several years now! HOW?

The production values are what hurt me the most. There are wipes, fades and crazy negative/positive screen switches that remind me of an episode of Countdown. Come on guys… Invest a little cash in a decent camera and editing program… stop building a half hour program with two VCR’s and an AV cable.

Imagine a half hour of these guys.

Now we’re getting close.

Tonight’s episode featured some bad rap metal flavoured ‘extreme highlights’ of random skate action. There were pro ‘spotlights’ on Gareth Stuhr and Don Nguyen, which were just ripped from the latest Foundation video. However the bit that stung the most was the footage from Mornington skatepark. Now I’m not going to shit on Geoff Cook and his bro’s, cos they all rip… but the footage nearly gave me a seizure.

As a matter of fact, I have a feeling the guy holding the camera was having a seizure! For a whole afternoon! It was jumping around worse than Dave Keating on deadline day!

There’s only so many times I can watch somebody do a frontside feebs down a handrail. Let alone in slow motion three times and then with the positive/negative ‘feature’ going back and forth!

Imagine if Fred Durst was given his own public access show and decided to dedicate it to skateboarding. He did it all for the nookie… but nobody asked him to did they?

Yeah you got it. Its like a bunch of frat boys filmed themselves smashing beer cans over their own heads, slamming Jeager shots, and getting naked for no reason. Within that they found a link to skateboarding… and somehow were granted their own TV show…. Oh wait… some moron already did that.

So right now you’re hoping I can provide some kind of youtube link for Skate 2 Death.. Well guess what? It sucks so badly that the show doesn’t even rate on the worlds biggest spit bucket of ill conceived ideas and aborted screenplays. There’s no link!!

So the choice is now yours… Do you make the effort to find out for yourself and post your snide remarks underneath this article telling me to shut the hell up?

Go ahead! I’m not going to bother to make something better. I’m studying hard to make sure these crimes never take place again. Don’t stress… I’m doing my part for the cause.

I can’t imagine what the Snowboard version of this show would look like. It would have to involve some sort of white kid in a bright jacket, rapping like a gangsta doing ‘switch cabs’ over a man made bump to the sounds of ‘Souls of Mischief’… Oh wait… Never mind.

Um… Boy is this awkward… How do I wrap this up now… Uh, I hear there’s snow on Buller already, so load up dad’s Range Rover, grab the keys to the chateau and disregard everything I’ve said. Sorry if I offended you ‘brah’……