(Interview by Ollie Pelling)

Upon hearing that the enjoi team had landed on Australian soil, I set to work trying to pin the guys down for an interview. I made good progress, and got a time and a date locked in to give them a call. Then I got a text from Anthony Mapstone, legend of Australian skateboarding and enjoi tour manager, explaining that the guys were “horny” to answer my questions via text message, not over the phone. I was a little disappointed, but after a while of texting back and forth as the team passed the phone around and answered some questions, it struck me that what we were doing was exactly what the enjoi team are known for. It was weird, fun, nonsensical and a little bit surreal. It was fully enjoi. I have no idea why they opted to give each other Spice Girl pseudonyms, but what the hell; they can do what they want. Below is the transcript in all its glory and as far as I know, this is the world’s first (and probably last) text interview, for good reason.
 
(As far I could work out, Cairo Foster is Mel C, Jerry Hsu is Posh Spice, Louie Barletta is Ginger Spice, Mapstone is Scary Spice, which leaves Raemers as Baby Spice. Weird.)
 
Hey Anthony, it’s Ollie from Popmag. I just tried to call to have a chat with the enjoi guys. If you could flick me a text at a time when everyone’s together that would be rad. I’ve got about 20 light-hearted questions to ask the guys, so they can answer 4/5 each and pass the phone on. It’s going to be chilled, nothing intense. Thanks mate!
Mapstone: Hey we are all in the van. Can you just text the guys the questions? It is too hard for them to understand our fucked up accents.

Sure. I’m English though. Can you get email on your phone? Maybe I can email them through if that works.
Mapstone: The guys are really horny to answer so maybe text them.

OK… Am I right in thinking Caswell didn’t make it out?
Mapstone: That’s question one. Caswell is at Pelligrines in Melbourne. He is going to kittens tonight if you wanna meet up.
 
Who the fuck is this!?
Mapstone: Scary Spice. Ben wants to go first.
 
What’s the best thing about Australia so far?
Ben Raemers: Um mate. Hooters. Except it was full of mingers.

They always are. What’s your least favourite thing about Australia, apart from the mingers?
Ben: Mapstone.

Where are you most looking forward to going, apart from Hooters?
Ben: I have no idea where we are even going.

Who does the coolest stuff on tour, on board or off board?
Ben: Mel C. On her back in the sack up her crack.

Who’s the worst to share a room with?
Ben: Ginger spice. Her pubes keep clogging the drain.

Would you rather get in a fight with a kangaroo or a crocodile?
Ben: That was 5 it’s Mel C up next.

Same question…
Cairo Foster: I’d rather be friends with both of them.
 
Who’s most likely to pick up a female of loose morals?
Cairo: Raemers will get his fingers smelly.

What are the five best things about Ben Raemers?
Cairo: Five fingers in his secret storage pouch.

What does that even mean?
Cairo: Shhhhh! It’s a secret.

Keeping secrets isn’t cool man.
Cairo: OK up next is Posh.

Is that Jerry? He’s got the hair…
Jerry Hsu: Yes, it’s Jer. That’s 4 questions to go.
 
Aside from text interviews, what’s the worst trend in skateboarding right now?
Jerry: Joey Brezinski and curb dancing.
 
Who would win a rap battle between Louie Barletta and Jereme Rogers?
Jerry: Ginger for sure.
 
What do you think of rugby/Aussie rules football?
Jerry: Oh my god. I think it was invented by a gay retarded person. They are literally trying to butt fuck each other for like 3 hours.

What do you think of energy drink sponsors?
Jerry: I’m pretty upset none of them ever call me back. OK Ginger is up.

Aside from energy drink sponsors, what’s the best trend in skateboarding right now?
Louie Barletta: Coming out of the closet and the Spice Girls.

Who’s coming out of the closet?
Louie: Who’s not?

Got any advice for the kids?
Louie:  Don’t do what we do. Do other stuff. B a person. B what u r before u r something u r not until u r someone else after u have been u but before all of that.

Think I’ve got one question left. Got anything you want to say to the skaters of Australia that are gonna come out to your demos?
Louie: Come.

Sweet. Thanks for the most retarded and equally entertaining interview I’ve ever done. Enjoy Australia.
Louie: Sexy.

And that was that. Catch the enjoi dudes in all their peculiar glory this month at Geelong waterfront skatepark on the 6th, Frankston skatepark on the 7th, and the Bronx Rail Revival in Melbourne on the 8th.