One of the greatest joys in life is taking the piss out of very serious people. I discovered this when I raised the very paranoid ire of Frankston City Council with a few well placed words and pull out quotes.

When Frankston Council officially opened their long awaited new skatepark in 2006, it was a big day for a lot of people. SLAM mag editor Jake Frost asked me to cover the festivities for them – Sorry Dave and Rick…. They meant nothing to me I swear, ‘cos I love YOU!.

Being a Mornington Peninsula native, I was naturally stoked to put my fingers to the keyboard in Frankston’s name. I grew up skating there, and most of my youth was dedicated to that shitty metal car park set up that posed as the previous skatepark.

They were awesome days; we skated with an amazing crew of people, old and young. We’d shred all day, and then spruce up and hit the Saloon bar for $10 buckets of bourbon….. Good times.

Suffice to say, while I never lived in Frankston proper, much of my youth was spent dodging beatdowns at the train station and skating the park and a loose collection of crappy street spots all across the great city by sea. You get the point, I have Frankston pride.

So on opening day, I’m late for most of the major events, giveaways and ribbon cutting – and – BRUTALLY hungover. Its so hard to remain positive at these times. Nonetheless, there were old friends left and right. It was like the high school reunion that I never went to, so unfortunately I didn’t really pay that much attention to what was happening around me. I had a writing pad in the car…. But no pen. I figured i’d just bang something out when I got home.

So anyway, I wrote the article and sent it to Jake thinking there were need to be some serious revisions required. Not so, he took my first draft and sent it to the printers.

The thing with writing for print magazines is that you often forget what you wrote ‘cos it takes a few months to come out. So when it hit the shelves I scanned over the article in the newsagent, had a little laugh, and then I noticed something a little concerning.

See, I mentioned the hangover for a reason. When I got home to write the story, I realised that I’d spent most of the day trying to control “the shakes” and hadn’t really noticed any of “the hammers” being thrown down by the famous skateboarders. So, my backup plan was to write a little homage to Frankston’s amazing skateboarding history and it’s – shall we say colourful? – reputation.

While I didn’t exactly research any official statistical data, I relied on poetic license to speak a little truth about Frankston.

So what does Jake at SLAM do? He uses a pull out quote – you know, the bit of the article they enlarge to get you interested – that made some people VERY mad! So there’s two pages of photos and words and this enlarged, highly visible quote……

“Aside from the home invasions, missing teeth, scorpion tattoos and moccasins, Frankston boasts one of the largest pregnant teen populations in the nation”

Great…. Thanks Jake!

I’ll admit I talked a fair amount of shit in the article that may not be entirely true. It was however, very tongue in cheek and I did state my love for Frankston AND I thanked the council for building the park.

So a few weeks after it hit the shelves I get and email from Jake saying he’s sent me a package that “I had to check out”.

What I received was a 500+ word letter declaring the bitter disappointment in my efforts from Frankston City Council’s PR department!!!!

The author was incredibly upset with me. I had gone and undone all of the good work they had put into improving the image of Frankston. Many of the things I had mentioned in the article were simply not true, and Frankston citizens were most certainly sick of hearing them. My remarks were declared negative and derogatory.

Ooooppps!

The greatest part of the letter however came towards the end. The author was obviously struggling to restrain their vitriol – two wrongs don’t make a right – as the words were chosen very carefully.

“Fortunately the majority of SLAM magazine readers are probably only interested in the pictures (OUCH!). Nevertheless we would appreciate that in future, if you plan to write about the Frankston Skate Park, you please refrain from creating negative perceptions about a City that does not deserve such ridicule, wether tongue in cheek or not. We all like to laugh at ourselves, but in this instance you have overstepped the line.”

So after I recover from this keyboard created cheek slap, I realised something pretty awesome. That article probably crossed the desks and in-trays of several key figures at City Hall, and more than likely, the Mayor. So naturally, I was stoked.

The cherry on the pie however was that Frankston PR had sent me a ‘Gift Pack’ with their letter of angry machine gunned saliva rage. It contained an “I love Frankston” tee shirt and sticker.

My friends and former employers had created this design concept for our skateshop to parade the very pride I had talked about in the article. They had sold thousands of them… so naturally somebody in Frankston had bootlegged them and sold them at one of those Wu Tang Wear shops that’s essentially a glorified Vic Market stall.

Guess which one the Council sent me?

The fucking bootleg version!!!!!!!

I considered about 10 differing replies to this letter, one of which would discuss the theft of intellectual and design property of my friends’ work. However my Dad in his infinite wisdom, reminded me – between howling laughter – that I can’t afford a defamation lawyer.

Sage advice – I’d already shot one toe off, there was no point reloading and shooting off the rest of my foot in the process. So I let it go through to the keeper – as they say.

During World War 2, British and Australian POW’s stricken with hunger and disease discovered they could infuriate their Japanese captors if they totally ignored the rank, power and authority of their enemy. Dry wit was their only remaining tool. It helped maintain their morale and I suspect, was quite entertaining considering the horrible circumstances.

Extreme example I know, but inspiring none the less. I encourage you to take the most serious person you can find and break them down a little.

Its completely juvenile….. but a lot of fun.